Airline review: Lufthansa

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice…

Lufthansa and I got off on the wrong foot years ago.  I was nearing the end of my second round-the-world trip and had decided to leave Eastern Europe behind in favor of humus and Hezbollah, so I cashed in some miles for a ticket from Tallinn to Beirut on Lufthansa.  The agent issued the ticket and assured me all was well.  And it was, right up until I tried to check in at Tallinn airport.

To shorten a long and excruciating story, Lufthansa would not accept e-tickets at Tallinn airport.  Note that this was 2007, not 1987, and that we’re talking about the capital airport of a European Union nation.  The agents there were some of the rudest I have ever dealt with.  They shot down every reasonable proposal I made and refused to lift a finger to help.  It came down to extortion in the end; I had a friend picking me up in Beirut at 2:00 am and didn’t have a way to contact him, so I really needed to be on the flight.  They collected $900 from my credit card and sent me on my way.

At the time I vowed I would never fly them again.  Over the next several years that position softened to flying them only on award tickets and not giving them any revenue.  As I write this from the business class lounge at Frankfurt I can confirm that my first instinct was correct: Lufthansa is better avoided if you want a pleasant travel experience.

While I haven’t been stranded this time, Lufthansa’s products and services leave much to be desired.  Here’s a quick rundown of what they’re going to have to fix before I’ll fly them again:

Rigid enforcement of eight kilo limit on hand luggage

Granted I am a typical goddamn American with my giant roll-aboard suitcase and allergic reaction to checking a bag.  But eight kilos doesn’t cut it on an international first class ticket.  Make the plebs check their bags.

Generally sour disposition of Lufthansa staff

Most of the Germans I know are wonderful people.  Why are some of the employees of their national airline so rude?

Inferior hard product

They are behind the times with their premium class offerings.  The first class seats, while flat, sit awkwardly in pairs of two instead of the more private pod design.  Business class – even on their new A380 aircraft – remains a flat-but-angled affair.  Who ever thought this was a good idea?  I don’t know why anyone would pay $8,000 to slide down the seat while they attempt to sleep.

Proper application of benefits

I was denied access to a first class lounge despite traveling on a first class ticket.  Appeals to fact and reason got me absolutely nowhere.

And speaking of lounges there is hardly anywhere to sit in here.  People are wandering the aisles like war refugees looking for a place to rest before continuing their arduous journey.

I usually have something nice to say about an airline.  Not the case this time.  Lufthansa has a long way to go before I’ll give them my business again.